Monthly Archives: November 2010

Bentov And The Bell Curve

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Czech born scientist, inventor, mystic and author Itzhak Bentov drew a bell curve to illustrate the evolution of human consciousness. On the left side of the curve is the “throwbacks” from where the human animal evolved — the more primitive of our species, but still alive today in diminishing numbers. In the middle of the curve, of course, is the the majority of our planet’s inhabitants who possess an average level of consciousness, setting the standard for what is considered to be “normal”. To the far right of the curve are the few and the rare humans present on the earth at this time who have evolved to a level of consciousness that is beyond the understanding and systems of measurement that exist today. This is where all humanity is headed and it is only a matter of time before the median will reach this point and the evolved humans on the far right of the new curve will be in a form and at a level we cannot even fathom now.

He asked the question: “Where can we find these evolved humans in our world today?” The interviewer ventured that they could be found at Universities and other places where one might expect to find the intellectual elite. Bentov said no. “In mental institutions,” he said.

Society today does not know what to do with people who exist simultaneously in unfamiliar realms, which consist of anything the average human cannot see or hear or understand. That doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Our senses limit us being able to perceive only a fraction of what science has already proved is there. And yet, when someone can perceive these things without a conventional frame-of-reference to interpret the experience, it is bewildering for them, and socially unacceptable in general.

When all of your life, your paradigm has always been radically separate from what we observe as normal, there is often a desperation to be normal and fit in and muffle the gifts of this higher consciousness. This can create a form of suffering that in most cases will result in a way to deal with the world that will be judged as bad and wrong. It is the rare and courageous thing to be in this position and battle your way to a place of self-referral where you know what is normal for you is not normal for anyone else. And then it is ever rarer to have the audacity and naivete to blatantly explore what it means to be the creature that you are without the understanding, approval or support of others.

The conventional psychological community attempts to quantify and standardize lifetimes of bewildering isolation and disenfranchisement with a plethora of diagnosable personality disorders. Are they real, or just insurance codes to justify medicating brilliance? Who’s to say, but best not to judge. Better to try to understand. Author and Teacher Carolyn Myss states that each soul must have an incarnation when “the tribe” fails them, releasing them to be on a solitary journey in that life to be free to evolve at their own rate.

While I don’t consider myself to be at the extreme right of the bell curve, this solitary journey has been my experience. Am I diagnosable? Am I committable? I guess it depends on your paradigm and your agenda and your position of power over my life as to whether I get to stay free. So far I have escaped awarding anyone with that kind of power over me.

It never occurred to me not to be free. And and somehow I have managed, perhaps because I didn’t know any better, to create a life full of miracles and magic seemingly out of thin air without ever hurting anyone.

Do I suffer more than most? Yes, absolutely I do. I go through life with the feeling of someone visiting a nursing home where all of the residents are in a state of blissful dementia. They are all just as happy as can be and don’t know they are oblivious to reality. If I were presented with the option to become like them … one of them … to be happy and free of the constant discomfort of this awareness, I would not choose it. I couldn’t. So not only am I choosing to be as I am, I am embracing it, and I am going to push my limits as far as I can before I get caught!

~ Jeni Humming, April 2007

Addiction To Failure

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Written in September 2002 during a solitary 21 day fast at my beach house in Annapolis.

I am taking a break from, among a number of things … disappointment. I have to figure out and change whatever it is about me that sets me up for this in my life over and over. Until then, the only control I have over whether disappointment beats me down completely is to remove myself from the people and situations that seem to be the cause — and take measures to regain my perspective. Maybe one of the reasons I seem to be so strong is that I do this from time to time. I see it as an absolute necessity to take the time to myself to remember who I am and what I want, and what is reasonable to expect.

I feel really good right now. I feel energetic and positive and an absolute knowing that I have exciting days ahead — a life of building an empire, as it were, of bringing real answers and real prosperity to myself and many other people. I am at a stepping-off point and this is a crucial time for me. And yes, it’s all about me right now. I has to be that way. I’ve spent my whole life making it about someone else, everyone else. I never felt like I was a worthy recipient of the fruits of my own labor. I gave it all away, always doing whatever I was doing for ego reasons … to somehow gain someone’s approval or love, or to prove something. I lived to facilitate the success of others because I never believed I was meant to succeed. Having an ego does not equal having self-esteem. It undermines it. Never-the-less, I have always known I had something in me that was powerful and amazing but it scared me. Failure was where my parents came from and failure was what I was raised on — it has always felt familiar to me. I have always been too afraid to step out to a place where success and personal power was possible.

I feel in some ways I have put this time of my life off. Success, prosperity, and peace have been trying to come to me for years and I have been blocking it with my fear, and by engaging in the usual failure ensuring endeavors. The time of procrastination has come to a resounding end with the acute events of this year. I, fortunately, have backed myself into a corner (in most cases, people are so hardheaded, that’s what it takes) and I’m about to come out swinging. I no longer have a shred of failure left in me. I don’t have that luxury and I won’t indulge my childish ego-driven fears and weaknesses any longer. I believe that there exists only love and fear, and that really, fear is not real. So that leaves only love. Knowing that (really knowing it) makes you brave. “Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists. Therein lies the Peace of God.” The Course in Miracles.

I can honestly say none of this is about ego for me anymore. Obviously my ego has never been ambitious. That has been the trick that has kept me down and settling all these years. No, something else has kicked in. It is an inner knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is my soul’s purpose to build something that will bring to myself and many people peace, health, enlightenment, and a means by which for many people to gain prosperity through doing something beneficial and meaningful to them. It is a rare thing for people to have jobs they love and that really make a difference in their lives and others. With me, they will. I just need to find the right people and this is a main focus for me now. Moving forward hinges on it. So I must do what it takes to draw people who meet my standards and then some, so disappointment will no longer be an issue.

I know from my own experience that trying hard gets you nowhere. Something else has to be there. Perhaps being definite about what you want and then making smart choices with sound judgment … in addition to hard work, would bring desired results. That’s the strategy I am preparing to use. It’s called having a plan and taking action. This is a new concept for me … who’s approach has been “I want everything to evolve organically and draw people to me energetically.” It’s time to try something different.

Nut Job

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I am a nut job.

I am a disenfranchised nut job. I always have been. I’ve always known it in the midst of my madness and I have always chosen it despite the pain it has constantly inflicted in my life.

That alone is proof that I am nuts.

Frankly, I am tired. I have lost my sense-of-humor about it and I have just about lost interest. For a sane person, that’s like losing hope.

In defense of my insanity, it is a quixotic form of clarity that most people dare not have. Most people either eagerly, apathetically, or grudgingly admire the Emperor’s new clothes, ’cause that’s what everyone else is doing. I don’t see the new outfit, therefore I do not admire it. I have the notion that I see what is really there (when I pay attention, and I usually don’t to fat naked men) and I think everyone else is crazy.

I rank myself among other people who have been derided for their vision although I have yet to go so public as to be seriously attacked or threatened. Thus far I have only had the courage to be taken advantage of, ignored and discounted privately.

My hero Nicola Tesla was considered a fruitcake even though he brought the world electricity. He credited his myriad inventions and discoveries to visions coming to him. Google him … he thought of hundreds of things we take for granted in our present world. Edison made a career of discrediting him. His discoveries were stolen from him thanks to the public disclosure of the US Patent system. His quest and success to provide free energy to all the world was thwarted and lost as no meters can be placed upon free energy. Perhaps the most brilliant man in recent history — few today even know who Tesla is.

Something inside of me won’t let me believe that it is unwise to abandon myself to reaching my full potential, chips fall where they may. I can’t make myself believe that hurtling myself with sincerity and enthusiasm at a willingness to discover once and for all what it is that we all seem to be missing wouldn’t be received and rewarded with gratitude. But talent, intellect, courage and generosity has yielded the opposite for the majority of trailblazers of history. And if they weren’t ruined or murdered, they just died anyway, so why do I keep getting up in the morning and feeling hope? Why should it be different for me?

John Lennon’s vision for a peaceful world did not keep him from being murdered. Itzhak Bentov’s genius did not keep the commercial jet he was on in the air. Eva Cassidy’s immense talent did not bring her fame and fortune and prevent her early death from cancer. Believing in Over The Rainbow did not keep Judy Garland from giving up. A humanitarian heart and brilliance off-the-scales did not reward Nicola Tesla or prevent him from dying alone and penniless.

All of my big plans and vision and enthusiasm has not protected my heart from constant personal disappointment and the crash of the US economy. Being a good person, loving with an open heart, doing your best and always paying your bills on time does not seem to be enough. Being willing to devote your life to making a difference only makes matters worse.

Right about now I have lost my all my puff. I wrote about myself over a year ago that I was humbled and chagrinned … that I had to set my high horse free. Even such a poignant admittance as that strikes me now as arrogance. I look around me at the beauty I have worked so hard and so long to create around my life and I see the decline that I don’t have the time or money to fix. I see myself age from the stress of just life, and the unbelievable stress of gambling everything I have to make a difference instead of watching TV and complaining. I can’t ignore the ideas and vision I have and my irrepressible belief that it can be a better world. That is just how I am wired. But I can’t escape the ultimate truth that as hard as I try on the good days when I still do try, I can’t do it alone. I can’t save the world because right now, I can’t even save myself.

Having said all that, perhaps now I am a little closer to sane.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just try to have pleasant days. I will have a pleasant day today being thankful for all of my blessings … alone.

Jenifer Humming — Thanksgiving 2008

Looking Up For Hope

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Going through my video footage looking for a particular clip, I came across 22 seconds of me not saying anything — but expressing in those few moments everything I feel every day: my usual good natured cheerfulness, worry, peaceful pondering waiting for solutions to come to me, conscious decision to be positive, restored optimism, loss of hope, numbness …

I found myself making it into a sofa movie and it seemed to make itself. I had no idea I would compose such a serious piece, but it was very therapeutic. It was good to spend the time with those feelings.

My brother Bart was my Irish twin and the love of my life. He was a remarkable man and we spent every minute together that we could considering he was all over the world as an F 15 Fighter Pilot in the Air Force. He went down in the Gulf of Mexico in 1989. I still can’t imagine living in a world without him. But here I still am … trying to save it … all by myself.