Why Hummingbird? Why Humming?
… The Wisdom of Uncertainty …
The search for security and certainty
is actually an attachment to the known.
And what is the known? The known is our past.
The known is nothing other than
the prison of past conditioning.
Shaman death is the symbolic death of the initiate
to the old ways of life and personal identity.
Rebirth: American Indian Bat Medicine
It just happened, that’s all. It was gradual. The message came to me again and again this year that I have been in “deep shift,” and that I was dying to my old life. Before making any conscious decision to do so, I began slowly pulling up roots by letting go of much of what I had devoted all of my time and energy to in my work and in my personal life, and began to pull away from people in my city. I came to realize I was clearing my life of everything and everyone (and soon to be every place) that was unnecessarily draining my energy, and began funneling all of my energy into one focused purpose — for the first time in my life.
It was a slow process as I have had to ultimately look at all of my relationships with the people and with the things upon which I have built my identity … at how my self-esteem has been based on the acceptance and support of friends and on my possessions and accomplishments. What I began to see clearly is that people and things were the very reason I had low self-esteem.
I have been harshly forced into facing that the people I loved were not really getting me, accepting and supporting me, and no amount of waiting and hoping and proving myself would ever get them to see who I really am and treat me differently — or be capable of being different themselves. I had to accept them, let them go, and love them from another place.
I have been harshly forced into facing that the things I own and the things I did and thing I was most proud of about myself, which all determined my identity — were just symbols of success I was clinging to that were actually the very things keeping me from true fulfillment of my ultimate potential.
The good is the enemy of the best.
I have made drastic decisions in answer to these realizations. I have not been cheerful and swift in making these changes. I allowed myself to be pounded again and again by circumstances until my stubborn and tenacious little self got the message. LET GO!
The most powerful and meaningful circumstance in a year of unbelievable challenge was the discovery that, yes, I … Cleansing Queen Of The World … had the threat of cervical cancer hanging over my head … again. And how did this happen when I live (mostly) right and fast/cleanse 30-40 days a year? I figured it out quick:
I was chagrinned that I had allowed an unacceptable level of stress to be such a part of my life for so long that I found myself backed into a corner by something I had arrogantly stated many times I would never have to face. What a come-uppence. And I did not take it well. My efforts at healing myself were half-hearted and half-assed. And then I allowed yet another … oh, several actually, REALLY STRESSFUL things to happen, resulting in what work I did do to heal myself being undone.
Now, I say I allowed these things to happen; certain things occurred because of the actions of other people beyond my control. My self-esteem was (and has always been) such that I was not able to recognize the unacceptable behavior of key people in my life for too long — until I became sick and then saw it for what it was and did something about it. If I had become conscious of the truth sooner and made hard choices sooner, I could have saved myself much. But really, looking back, I don’t think I could have done things any other way, as my nature is to love, to always see the good in people, and to give freely, and I had not yet made the connection between such matters and my self-esteem. Ego was muddying the waters. But these events forced the issue!
To provide little background for better understanding: I had been teaching people how to live a lifestyle of being clean in a toxic world: hosting a very intensive cleansing/detox retreat for the last seven years — a program I designed, and I drew my clientele from all over the country. It was essentially for healthy, spiritually-oriented people who wanted to be even more healthy and clear. I was well into the process of moving my business to Costa Rica when my life took an unexpected turn with the unraveling of several things I thought I had under control: my health, relationships (employee/friendship … I had been single and not dating for some time by then) and my career.
The process that had begun organically, of eliminating from my life the pursuits and influences that were draining me, was spectacularly propelled into a conscious, deliberate, and drastic clearing of the decks. Nothing about the way I had been living and approaching things was right for me anymore. Suddenly what I had been doing for a living for seven years was no longer my job, and I could not do it anymore. This of course meant no income too, but that was a choice I had to make to be in my integrity of purpose.
The surprising turn came about because in order to provide the main alternative treatment of the program at the location I had chosen in Costa Rica, I invented a device that is considered by a certain government agency that regulates these sorts of things to be a medical device. Due to many factors, all of which directly related to or derived from my health, I made the hard choice to close my retreat business so that I would be able to really concentrate on healing myself and devote myself without distraction to the development of the invention. The invention adventure involved numerous generations of prototypes, writing a patent specification, researching that government agency’s approval process and writing the submission, setting up manufacturing and assembly procedures, making marketing plans, researching export regulations, and establishing my business structure, etc. I didn’t realize it when I began, but I had waltzed right down into the rabbit hole and it turned out to be a much more daunting undertaking than I ever could have imagined. I was completely naïve when I started. I am grateful I did not know what I would go through when I started, because I would have known for sure I could not do it. But I did it, and I am doing it.
My choice to close my business was also made clear by the fact that as much as I had tried to hire “experts” again and again to help me with the invention process, no one ever came through (part of the major stress of the year) and I finally had to stop doing anything else and concentrate full-time on the invention. I just couldn’t do it all, and this was the most important thing. So I just became every kind of expert I had to be to get the invention work done. Finding all of this capacity in me further distanced me from my old life and old way of doing things and old way of thinking. I amazed myself, and from the pain of being let down over and over, emerged a newfound understanding that I could do anything. I lost the last of my fear that had held my self-esteem hostage to waiting to be rescued.
All year, despite the stress and the crazed hard work, I was staying centered and clear, and felt the most powerful I had ever been. But then the balance I couldn’t seem to keep, and that had become my present, moment to moment struggle … was to be even close to grounded. I could not find a tether anymore. Nothing I used to do to reign me back in was working. No amount of coffee, or heavy food could stop me from buzzing. My vibration is, was, and had been all year, disconcertingly high. It has been demanding. There have been times I have thought “this is all I can stand.”
While I was in South Florida arranging for the manufacturing of my invention, I received a phone call from my good friend, who is also my general practitioner MD. She called to tell me that the result from my latest pap smear was back up to severe, and that she was scared. She said I as much as had cancer, and that I need to stop fooling around. She had gone along with my insistence to heal myself again naturally, as she had seen me do it eight years before. But what I was doing this time was obviously not working … mainly because I had a poor attitude and I wasn’t really doing consistently what I knew to do. Her fear startled me, so I relented and agreed to go in for treatment when I got home.
My first week home, before I could get an appointment with an OBGYN, I had a “come-apart.” That’s Southern for “de-compensating.” That’s medical for going into a spin. Anyway, I experienced a lot of emotional and spiritual turmoil while living with the idea that I had cancer. I went through the process in my mind about how I felt about my life, and what I thought about death. It was heavy stuff, and I faced it head-on. And then on “Cosmic Epiphany Day” … the day the world moved out of Saturn-in-Cancer and into Saturn-in-Leo (thank you Jesus) I had an epiphany!
I realized I had done … or was doing, and was almost done … what I came here to do. I knew the immense importance of my invention and what an impact it was going to have on many individual lives, and what the energetic ramifications were going to be to the entire earth because of it. And I knew the thing I had to do was to finish it and get it to the point where it was out there and had a life of its own and did not need my energy anymore. Then I would be done.
It was a revelation. I didn’t know before that that could happen. I’d never heard of such a thing. I always thought life was about ”the journey” and that you never really arrived. That may be so for most, but for me the knowing came that I was reaching a point of arrival and decision. Somehow I had remembered what I contracted to do when I agreed to this incarnation, and was picked and picked on until I grudgingly did it while walking through fire. And then, there it was … the destination was in sight, and I had to start making decisions about what next.
“For I am already being poured out like a drink offering and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith.”
II Timothy 4:6-7
I was already feeling myself slipping away. It was (is) an amazing feeling! It is frightening and exciting and paralyzing at the same time. It feels like hundreds of thousands of volts are rushing through my body and that all I can do is be still and dematerialize. It calls up a wonderful poignancy that can only be described as Joy … but joy according to C. S Lewis’ definition in his book “Surprised by Joy: “Sehnsucht.” It is no surprise I did my senior paper on this concept in College.
Lewis describes Joy — Sehnsucht — or “The Great Desire” as a momentary grasping of the Divine … such a profound and unforgettable feeling that could be even a particular kind of grief, but if it were within your power to feel, you would not trade it for all of the pleasures of the world.
It has brought me to tears many times. It has made me long to melt into nothingness. It leaves no room for ego and self, but as you drift away you look back on yourself with an amazing detached compassion, like a mother’s love for her sweet sincere little child who has tried so hard and has suffered such painful bewilderment. For her the tears come. There is a feeling of sadness and inevitability. And a tingling anticipation without a shred of uncertainty as you await the opening.
This feeling, this knowing, this thing happening to me … I don’t shy away from anymore. I welcome it and do what I know contributes to the raising of my vibration like fasting and cleansing and staying in a state of Karma Yoga and constant prayer most of the hours of my day. I might not understand what is happening to me, but I relinquish myself to it … to the flow … to surfing the Mystery, because it is why I am here and that matters more than being here.
I have been working my whole life, and most especially these last years, since the moment I made the decision and the promise to reach the full potential of my Soul in this incarnation — to be my most authentic self in service to God, the Universe and the purpose for which I came. And in doing so, in living life at the speed of Life Force Energy, the equal and opposite reactions had pummeled me, and I was beat up. I reached such a low … or high point one day that I realized: I had absolutely nothing better to do than to save the world.
If I do nothing but keep myself clean and conduct energy into this world, then I am doing my purpose to save the world. I began to realize it is the purpose of many conscious souls on this planet to save the world.
So I let go and decided to revel in my delusions of grandeur, and never fold up my wings again. I was relieved to know that I was almost done, and that if I felt I had to go, then I could go. But I could also decide to stay. I realized there was so much I could do, that I am prepared to do, that I am poised and ready to do … that aren’t my dreams, but the dreams of so many other people who are not as ready and do not possess the resources I do and where-with-all to live their dreams. If I stayed, then I would be, as I had already written nine months before in my Costa Rica Business Vision: “The benefactor of dreams.”
I also realized that if I were already dead (albeit symbolically), then no one could ever hurt me again. I would be invincible.
When I went to see the doctor, he knew I had waited nine months to seek treatment from my first irregular pap, and he said to me almost in anger, “You know this is serious don’t you?!”
I said, “Yes sir.” And from that moment on, I no longer took it seriously.
For some time I had been skirting burn-out in my work running such an intense one-on-one cleansing retreat. This was largely due to the fact that on my website, which was one of the things I had attached my identity to, had a large section telling my story and many pictures of me were displayed throughout. People connected with me from my website, and when they came, they came to get my undivided attention. This was a choice I made from the start for pragmatic reasons. My business was located in a city not only not known for it’s health and spiritual consciousness, but known instead for the exact opposite. In order to attract clients, there had to be something unique to draw them in. That was me. I received a lot of comments and feedback that the personal nature of my message touched and inspired people. I wanted to continue to share my observations of life from a personal perspective, but I didn’t want it to be about me anymore. How would I do that? I didn’t know.
I felt it necessary on September 8th, 2005 to make a call to the manufacturer of one of the devices I had been using in my practice for many years to find out about the political and governmental climate of the alternative health industry in the country from his point of view and involvement in a recent momentous industry-changing lawsuit. He gave me the behind the scenes overview of the situation, which illuminated and clarified questions that had arisen from the research I had done related to my invention. I hung up the phone realizing that in devoting my life to doing good and helping people empower themselves to reach perfect health and spiritual enlightenment, that I was considered by our government to be an outlaw and was in true peril!
To make matters worse, one of the people named in that horrendous lawsuit had my name. I decided then that I must keep my name out of having any involvement with the marketing of the invention and decided I must remove my website from the internet so that in the approval process of my invention, there could be no direct access to the views on the benefits of the modality I had so brazenly held for so many years. I decided then that I needed a bare-bones marketing website to sell the device to people who were looking for it from a foundation of their own convictions, and a separate website not associated with the invention to give the information and guidance that had been available on my very large website … and also to expand it to be much more, as it would no longer be about my retreat business.
I had been teaching for many years concepts that had come to me in a language I had developed from Quantum Physics that explained truth in a fresh vocabulary that people found easy and accessible. I had seen my words speak to my clients struggles in a way that finally got through when the same concepts in the over-used Christian vernacular hadn’t made sense to them even after a life-time of hearing the words. I live in Quantum (magic and miracles and mystery) and I speak in Quantum.
What I had to awakened to and had begun to nourish through all of this was a cosmic perspective, a global vision for the raising of the vibration of the world, a manifesting propensity, a knack for prosperity, a new way to generate a lot of income, total abandonment to my purpose, unswerving drive, and a lot of audacity.
I realized my purpose was a Universal Purpose for which many people on the Earth are here. I began to call it Quantum Purpose and made the intention to become a magnet to draw together, and an agent of activation — for the others who are here for this Purpose, and with whom I have Sacred Contracts to facilitate their (meanwhile my own) evolution. It was as Quantum Purpose insinuated itself into my plans and then proceeded to dominate, that I began to consider how to have a website that supported the invention without giving away that it was associated with the invention.
I decided since it was my purpose to raise the vibration of the world, it didn’t matter if people bought my invention in particular — just as long as they used whatever resources were available in whatever price range they could afford. I would link to all devices and services that could help people reach their goals.
Then I began to ponder how I could get across the great experiences and information in my story, which so many people had related to me had moved and inspired them, without using my name. The solution: to use a nom de plum. At first I thought of using something cute and edgy like Susie Quark. But then a knowing came to me: just something symbolic. Hummingbird. It came as quietly as that. And since that moment I have gained an understanding how symbolic and perfect it is.
First thing I turned to is what Hummingbird represents in American Indian Animal Medicine:
Hummingbird knows instinctively where beauty abides and, near or far, she journeys to that place. She moves comfortably within a beautiful environment and help others taste the succulent nectar of life. Hummingbird disdains ugliness or harshness, and quickly flies away from discord or disharmony. Hummingbird is a fragile medicine, its target is Beauty and Hummingbird’s mission is to spread joy or to be destroyed. Hummingbird quickly dies if caged, caught, or imprisoned.
While I am as much the Eagle, I find it more appealing and fitting to be a Hummingbird. Of all of the American Indian Animal Medicine meanings, the Hummingbird has always given me the most hope. If I get to choose, Hummingbird or Eagle, I choose the little thing. I went online looking for pictures of Hummingbirds and I found one that stunned me when I first saw it, and still does every time I see it. She is me. I realized that immediately. I thought then, wouldn’t it be perfect if the next time I worked with the medicine cards, if I got the Hummingbird card? That would let me know that this was really guidance I was receiving. And the next time I was guided to choose a card, I did get the Hummingbird card! But in contrary — upside-down. I was dashed and confused. I didn’t understand. The message was all about fragility and sadness. I thought I was ready finally for joy. That was the deal — my terms for staying! I couldn’t figure it out so I decided to leave it until morning. The next morning I read over it again, determined to do nothing else until I understood. My whole life had been so framed in disappointment and sadness. Yet I have been eternally hopeful and have unceasingly believed I was made to love and to experience joy. Then I got it. Immediately I wrote:
“Sorrow is better than laughter, for by the sadness of the countenance, the heart is made better.”
We come, we forget, and then we try to remember. But in our haze of forgetfulness, we are stuck in duality. Until we can remember that everything is one and accept without judgement, we will only see good and bad, light and dark, up and down, win and lose.
We will be stuck in the illusion that if we can just get the good, the light, the up, and the win … all will be well. We try and try and try, and we get the good and the light and the up and the win, only to be dashed and disillusioned to realize that it has brought with it the looming anxiety that the bad, the dark, the down and the lose will show right back up and take it all away again. And so it usually does.
Then we realize … too late … that back when all we had was the bad, the dark, the down and the lose — the other side was there all along as opportunity calling us to transform.
So round and round we go, struggling with the two-edged sword of everything we think we want.
Until one day we realize that the two sides of everything are the same, and we accept the bad with the good, and the dark with the light, and the down with the up, and the lose with the win … because we get it finally that you can’t have one without the other.
And then we look at people who are content with unexamined lives and realize we wouldn’t change places.
We are grateful, after all, for the struggle … as it is the other side of peace.
“Sorrow is Joy in another Reflection.”
Poof! The duality vanishes. We once again remember, everything is one.
I then started seeing Hummingbirds. I had been putting watermelon rinds outside by my kitchen door as I found it attracted butterflies. One day I saw an Emerald Green Hummingbird hovering by the watermelon through the screened door. A couple of days later, after a walk at the Botanical Garden’s, I saw an Emerald Green Hummingbird hovering by my car in the parking lot.
Then a couple of days after that is when the real miracle happened. Here is an email to a friend on September 20th:
I just had one of the most extraordinary experiences of my life!
I went to Hollywood Video … a place I never go, because I wanted to rent The Merchant Of Venice, and they were the only place that carried it. When I got into my car to leave, I saw a hummingbird fly up to the window of the building and hit it a few times, and then fall to rest on the window sill stunned. This was a very odd place for a hummingbird to be, in the middle of a commercial area with no beautiful garden nearby. I got out of the car, gently picked up the little thing, and got back into the cool car. I opened my hand to see if she was alright. She just lay there, still, but her eyes were alert.
I didn’t know what to do. I just sat there looking at her and praying she wouldn’t die. I decided to drive home, try to feed her some watermelon juice and set her free in a more wooded environment.
I drove home carefully, and she just sat in my open hand the whole way. When I pulled into the driveway, and stopped, she took flight tentatively and settled on the dashboard. It was then I saw an amber light shine through her chest feathers from where her heart must be. It really was a light! It glowed.
She flew around a few more times, but clearly was exhausted.
I picked her up again and took her into the house and up to my bedroom where the French doors were wide open with no screens, and in retrospect … in the exact location where a ley line pops up into my house! I let her loose, and ran downstairs for the watermelon. I brought it up, put some juice in a clear bowl, tipped it and held it to her beak. I saw her little tongue that was no bigger than a hair come out from the end of her beak to lap up some juice. She then took flight, right out of the open doors, high above the trees and away.
I’ve put the watermelon rind out on the deck full of juice in case she returns.
I took a few pictures, but they are too close for her to be in focus. She is a vivid emerald green, with a bright amber light in her chest!
I prayed that day with a prayer so solid, there was not one wavering molecule in my mind or heart. I said “Please God. Please Universe. Give me another chance to photograph me holding a hummingbird.”
The preparing my submission to that government agency in order to market in the US, was one of the most daunting elements of this whole amazing experience. It was the “slaying the dragon” and I could not make a false step. I removed my retreat website from the internet so they would not be able to reference it for my view on the benefits of the associated therapy. I had my lawyer submit it on his letterhead in my company name, keeping my personal name out of it — to avoid confusion because of the other person with the same name involved in the Texas lawsuit. Dealing with that government agency is a very tricky business. I was told by lawyers and consultants who had worked there that they would never approve my device. But after almost two years of research, and writing, and making TWO submissions, they returned the decision that they did not regulate my device. Therefore, it is legal to market in the US as long as I continue to observe their limits and regulations, especially in terms of the claims I make for my device.
My intent in presenting my writings under another name is just to have a way to offer the important support information that I am making available on this website without breaking the law, losing all of my inventory, being shut down, thrown in jail and fined a million dollars. (I am not exaggerating.) I do not have a firm grasp on how to maintain a nom de plum and online identity separate from my in-person identity.
Hummingbird fits. I am always still it seems, yet moving at the speed of Life Force Energy! I am always humming, vibrating, buzzing … feeling the energy go through me. Sometimes it seems too much. I am surrounded by beauty, and yet even my gilded cage has caused me sorrow. I seek beauty in the world, and I always find it. My nature is to love, and my essence is joy.
I have changed. I have evolved. I have left karma behind and now it’s dharma time! I now have only my Purpose in my heart and mind, and the determination to live my Ultimate Potentiality in unfettered Joy.
It doesn’t matter who I am. We are all ONE.
“One’s own name and form and self-concept are more like a constellation being named, with lines drawn in between the points of light to shape into a form — a concept superimposed upon reality, somewhat different than reality itself.”
Lama Surya Das
That’s Why Hummingbird
The story gets more interesting. The Texas Jennifer with the conventional spelling of two “n”s law suite was easily found when Googling her (my) name (spelled wrong). I started getting calls from people who thought it was me, and probably didn’t get hundreds of calls from people who thought it was me. Suddenly that name was a career killer. When a copy of her law suite came back to me along with my international patent search, I knew I had to legally change my last name.
The day I was born my great grandfather telegramed my mother to name me Jenifer with one “n” so that I would have 7 letters in both my names (I have no middle name) because “Seven is the Heavenly number.” I needed my new last name to have seven letters in it, but it was such a big decision, I didn’t know what to do. And then the moment came when it occurred to me to count the letters in Hummingbird.
That’s Why Humming
Next, see the Gallery of Hummingbird Pictures beginning with the first blurred pictures that I took the day I rescued the first hummingbird with the glowing amber heart.