Tag Archives: Aquarian Age

Up Front With The Macheté

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You will find my “personal story” recounted on this web site in extensive detail. I have much written about my work and my purpose and my life that intimately reveals the essence of who I am — which is how I have always taught — by not bothering to teach, but by just being who I am and being honest about it. If anyone is drawn to read my web site, it means they were vibrationally attracted (Physics Law of Attraction) and that they have now or will soon have the exact same lessons to learn, or vast dreams to build.

I have chosen to open up my life in writing for a number of reasons. The main reason is that I am strongly compelled to do so for my own personal growth, to record my observations and my process in a conscious, self-disclosed, and symbolically interpreted way. Mine is a life examined. However, in offering my account of the always interesting and often magical events and interpretations of my journey, my intention is also that you will be inspired as you will see yourself in my experiences — and in doing so, give the information the opportunity to resonate and catalyze transformation in your life. I often say: I do not have all of the answers. I am just the “Helen Keller” of the Universe … feeling my way along. If you have found this site and choose to benefit from what I have to share, please know it’s not because I have it all figured out. I am just up front with the macheté.

We Have to Save the World Every Day

I want to be clear about how I see my purpose and the way I am changing the world. My most significant contribution is energetic. If I do nothing but keep myself a clear conduit to conduct energy into this world, then I have done what I came here to do. People always say we cannot save the world. I say we save the world every day. Every day Earth School stays open is a day saved. Jesus said greater things shall we do. I believe that and I take it seriously. Because the world today is more populated and convoluted than it was in his day, there are more obstacles and suffering and corruption now simply in terms of numbers, than then. But there are also more resources in terms of communication, technology, and consciousness now than then. We can vibrate higher now too. We need to. We have to save the world every day.

There are only a small percentage of us who know these things. The rest of the people of the Earth are in the dark, and are perpetuating the darkness. And unfortunately, even the ones who are aware, are not necessarily stepping up to their purpose. And although many begin to, most don’t follow through. It is my job to help the rare ones who are empowered to carry out their visions.

“The Problem of Increasing Human Energy”

I discovered this small book: “The Problem of Increasing Human Energy” written in 1900 by Nikola Tesla only after I had been led to understand this was in fact my soul’s purpose on Earth … to aide in the increasing of human energy. The problem part is free will. Not everyone co-operates. But, we have to work around it as we are all here to play our own unique parts in our collective evolution, and free will is the ball in the game.

A big part of my mission is to facilitate people into the most powerful expression and accelerated fulfillment of their soul’s purpose. I am here not only to conduct energy into the world myself, but to make it possible through a variety of means to help hundreds, thousands … millions??? of other people do the same. I have been given many ways to accomplish this, and an immense plan/dream/vision.

So how am I going to do this? With a lot of little things.

First, I take wonderful care of myself, enjoy my life, and stay connected:

Then I do not limit the wondrous unfolding of my visions and dreams by a sense of lack and disbelief. Having already spent most of my life already doing that, I decided to give delusions of grandeur equal time.

Then, I love everyone, I seek joy, I choose peace, and I do what I want to do every day. And what I want to do every day is build this vast and beautiful vision.

I do little tasks. I take it step by step. I put one foot in front of the other. I show up every day.

Forms of Energy

I am all about energy. I conduct energy in all of its (our perceptions of) forms. You can call it Life Force, you can call it Love, Kundalini, Chi … and Money too is just another form of energy. If you understand how energy flows, you will have a new understanding of the economics of vast purposes.

If you believe you have only so much love to give, you are not connected to the source. Do you say to your husband or daughter or girl-friend: “I’ll love you next week, or in a month or so when I have more love”?

If you believe you will have only so much money, then that’s all you’ll have. A favorite quote of mine is from the first airy fairy book for powerful rich white men, “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill: “If you ask life for a dime, a dime is all it’ll give you.”

As for me, I choose to have access to the unlimited love and abundance of the Universe, and do so because I conduct energy though me unimpeded and without fear. As God’s love goes through me, I get to feel it on the way through and it is wonderful to feel such love for the people who come to my life. As money flows through me, I get to live well as it goes through, and I am blessed to be able to support the prosperity of many others in this world.

With the money-energy that flows through me with all of the divine ideas I have received and am carrying out, I will be the benefactor of the vast visions and dreams of the rare ones who will join me in taking personal responsibility for the healing of the Earth.

Are You Destined to Join Me?

I wish to ally with conscious people who are already effective and powerful in their lives — who have the vision of creating an amazing future and are determined to reach their potential and be a part of helping others reach theirs. I am intentionally manifesting the combining of the purposes of the very rare, very few people on this Earth today who have the courage to be completely authentic and hurl themselves into their ultimate potentiality — and have lots of fun and laughter along the way.

My companions on this journey are not ordinary. They are the Arthurs who discover the sword and have the courage and audacity, and pure naivete … to pull it from the stone and become King.

Or Queen, of course.

Are you one of the rare ones?

It’s Time To Understand HOW THINGS ARE

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The thing most people don’t understand about “Christ Consciousness” is that it was the view that Jesus had that many other people have had before and since. It’s the view we will all see from the vantage point we’re all supposed to reach eventually as we careen through lifetimes. I haven’t been looking through a restricted religious knot-hole in the fence for a long time. The wider view that I speak of includes the experience of energy rushing through our bodies, inner visions, truth that comes all in one piece — which all leads to KNOWING. Then the knowing compels us beyond being encumbered by karma and into dharma. To put it simply, in learning about and making peace with HOW THINGS ARE. You find yourself in the flow, doing what you came here at such a radical turning-point on this planet to do.

DEFINE KARMA and DHARMA

My definitions definition of karma and dharma are a mingling of the standard Indian religions (mainly Hinduism and Buddhism) definitions and my own reception, experience and understanding of truth.

I blend.

KARMA by any other name:  (referring specifically to “negative” karma, although outside of a dualistic perception, karma is neutral)

Hinduism and Buddhism — Karma

Christianity — “you reap what you sow”

Classic Physics — cause and affect

Bubba — “what goes around comes around”

Practical terms — accumulated baggage from previous lives that constantly affect you; residual baggage from childhood of your present incarnation; direct or indirect repercussions from what happened last week; the consequences of what you are doing today and other people’s karmic issues they have with you that you allow them to have with you. We are always involved in a relationship with karma, but we can cleanse the buildup of karmic debt (see: Grace) and then choose to participate exclusively in creating only good karma. This is the ideal.

Me — garbage: a collection of set-backs resulting from unwise choices

What it feels like — suffering

DHARMA by any other name:

Hinduism and Buddhism — Dharma: a more subtle concept with a richness of meaning. It can be put simply for contrast, but then so much is missed. The result is doing your purpose. The reason for the result is acquiescence to the flow. The flow is the order of nature (Natural, Divine and Universal), which is simply how things are. Our relationship to how things are is our dharma. In a dualistic mindset, that means choosing right over wrong, making moment to moment choices to raise your vibration rather than to lower it.

Christianity — “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all the rest shall be added unto you.”

    • Anti-dharma: “It is hard for thee to kick against the goads.” = resistance to dharma = sin, bad karma.

Quantum Physics — freeing yourself from the bondage of physical laws and participating in the magic of creating your own reality on the wings of divine thought (the flow). It is all energy and our unified purpose in coming into earthly incarnation is to learn to manage our energy. When you are a clear conduit of pure unlimited life-force energy, the possibilities and power to fund them are unlimited.

Bubba —”The sky’s the limit.”

    • Anti-dharma:  “You can’t fight City Hall” = being resistant to the way things are, you get the shit kicked out of you, (and create more bad karma).

Practical terms — once we’ve completed karma 101 (birth sign lessons), we get on to the good stuff that we came here to do. We can also choose not to participate in other people’s derailing karma too. “God doesn’t have any grandchildren.” — Edwene Gaines

Me — unencumbered abandonment to my soul’s purpose

What it feels like — Peace

Concurrency of Karma and Dharma:

We always have a relationship to karma (as long as we believe in it) and it is possible to be in your dharma and be under the weight of karmic debt at the same time. For those of you who are awake, I think it is inescapable to be doing some expression of your dharma no matter how crippled you may feel. BUT … it’s like sailing a sailboat with a ten gallon bucket tied to the keel. It slows you down. It makes you ineffectual and limits you, only because you do not yet believe you are unlimited.

Cleansing karmic debt and removing yourself from participation in other people’s karmic debt frees you to be fully in your dharma and in harmony with the Universe. Result: Christ Consciousness and the knowledge that you came here … were sent here … to do greater things! And so you do. We can all make the choice to live our Ultimate Potentiality.

Most people who are here to bring light into the world are doing what they are supposed to be doing, but they don’t always do it wisely! That’s how we learn and evolve. I’ve been circling the drain for most of my life, learning and steadily advancing through trial and error. I arrive at this moment humbled and chagrinned and in a position to be the most effective I have ever been. I have finally gotten out of my own way.

Christianity: being tried by fire like gold to be purified.

Native American: Bat Medicine — the death of the shaman.

Buddhism: death of the ego and attachment to desire, which creates suffering.

My mother told me repeatedly as I grew up: “You have nothing to justify your existence.” It formed my view of my life and my worth. I could never shake it. I devoted my life completely to cleansing and healing from all of my childhood and early life wounds, but I could never get rid of that phrase and my foundational belief in its truth. It caused me suffering and drove me mercilessly. Now I am grateful, as it proved to be my most powerful weapon once I discovered its secret. One day, it came to me and I just turned to my ego and said: “You have nothing to justify your existence” …

What is my dharma? It can be explained many ways and it has many layers. But one very important way to say it is: I am here to facilitate the activation of other beings in this Cosmic Neighborhood on the cusp of a NEW AGE into the most powerful expression of their soul’s purpose. In short, my dharma is to help other people find and do their dharma at a critical time on this planet. Beyond that … they have to show up.

Don’t we all need some support from other people who can receive the truth? I know I long for it. As it is now, my support comes mainly from my spiritual practice that keeps me connected with my celestial support — my main form of socializing for the last couple of years. For the last many years, in preparation for what is SOON to come, I have retreated into isolation for long periods, with various forms of fasting and prayer. It is how I have done most of the really profound work and have received the vast vision I am determined to get as far with as I can.

Now I am coming out of my time of preparation. What has not killed me has made me stronger! I am ready. Have you been going through an intense time of preparation too? Don’t mistake all of your recent Lessons of Compassion for misfortune or bad karma. You have been in the Bootcamp of your life!

One of my favorite quotes is from Winston Churchill: “Never, Never, Never Quit.”

I can’t quit, but I do give up. I surrender. “I can of mine own self do nothing.”

None of us can do what we came here to do alone. Even organizations are struggling. It’s time for us to all work together. It is the new way to live, do business and THRIVE.

The time is now.

Every INFINITE Thing Just Wants To Be Loved

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We are always being tested.

Why?

Because of RAMPANT ABUSE OF FREE WILL.

Why were we given free will? To always piss off God? Probably not.

Think about it. Remember The Stepford Wives? If you could surround yourself with lovely agreeable androids who were so human in appearance and manner you could never detect they were machines and not human … who were programmed to adore you and always please you, protect you and never let you down — that would be great right?

Actually, it would only be great if you didn’t know they were only loving you because they were programmed to love you. If you knew, you would not feel loved.

“Every little thing just wants to be loved.” (The Secret Life of Bees.)

Here’s just the WAY THINGS ARE (dharma):

God, The Universe, The ALL, Spirit, Unlimited Life Force Energy … whatever you want to call, Him, Her, IT … created beings with free will so that we would have the choice to please God, The Universe, The ALL, Spirit, Unlimited Life Force Energy … whatever you want to call, Him, Her, IT. And when it is OUR IDEA to love God, The Universe, The ALL, Spirit, Unlimited Life Force Energy … whatever you want to call Him, Her, IT … He, She, IT will feel nourished, amplified, loved.

(Translation: When it is OUR IDEA to love God, God will be loved.)

“Every INFINITE thing just wants to be loved.” (Jenifer Humming.)

Free will is not our ticket to get away with sabotaging ourselves, others and the planet. Free will is not an excuse for dishonoring the wonderful gift of perfect unconditional love we are given by God, The Universe, The ALL, Spirit, Unlimited Life Force Energy … whatever you want to call, Him, Her, IT.

We never get away with it. There are always Natural Consequences (karma).

But we are loved and our Angels are doing their best to get us up to speed so we can be happy and live joy-filled lives. Why do we resist so? The problem is, our Angels respect our free will and will leave us alone if we insist. How many times do you leave a friend a voice mail or send emails they won’t answer before you give up?

If you want their attention and to live a life of purpose full of magic and miracles, you have to show up, participate, listen, act … use your free will to be a contender, not a bench-sitter or someone who doesn’t show up for the game at all.

Are you an Earth Angel? Do you have someone in your life who you love and hope loves and respects you because you are worthy to be loved and respected, not because they have to or need something from you they won’t get if they don’t at least pretend part of the time to love and respect you (enough to keep pulling you in to enable them)? Or even though you know they love and respect you, they still make choices that needlessly sabotages successful outcomes that affect everyone and everything — out of laziness, selfishness, fear … or just from the habit you ALLOWED them to form in your relationship with you.

Know anyone like that?

Do you continuously provide to a person (people) in your life opportunities (without personal agenda) to be able to succeed in reaching their goals just because you love them and want them to be happy? Do they gratefully accept all of your facilitation and soar like the eagles you know they could be?

Probably not. Probably they resist and shoot themselves in the foot by squandering your enthusiasm to help them until eventually you stop trying. How does that feel? Does it make your heart sing with joy to watch someone you love and who has UNLIMITED potential force you to separate from them?

No. It probably makes you feel sad (the other end of the polarity of joy).

That’s how the Angels feel when you have better ideas than they do and ignore their whispers— when you drag your feet, do not ACT, impose your conditions such as “I will when I can afford to … I will when I am not so busy … I will when it is a sure thing and not a risk … I will when it doesn’t require any actual commitment to stay at the plate if it gets hard … I will when I don’t have to actually have faith and can do it my way …”

Yeah, right. That’s how that works. Or NOT.

That person (or persons) is in your life as your teacher. They are there to remind you not to make the same mistakes by resisting the guidance of your Angels (or input of crucial binary data: 111111000100110011100110111111110000000010110101011111111010010011).

The test is always this: will we surrender? Will we use our free will to be on THE TEAM or will we always use our free will to slightly or perhaps not so slightly diminish the efficacy of the implementation of the Will of Heaven on Earth by failing to keep our Sacred Contracts and discouraging (not supporting as agreed) those who do?

Remember the “Butterfly Effect“?

What you decide by deciding or not deciding — and what you think and do — has an influence that goes out in ripples (exactly pi) for eternity — that can have either a gargantuan healing effect on the planet and in nourishing God, The Universe, The ALL, Spirit, Unlimited Life Force Energy … whatever you want to call, Him, Her, IT … or a devastating negative harmful effect. It is Physics, Mathmatics, Science, 3rd Dimension Piscean Reality. It is so.

But you change the whole game by playing your Quantum Trump card. That would be a powerful use of your free will.

Meanwhile your Angels (or crucial binary data: 111111000100110011100110111111110000) are waiting for your attention and God, The Universe, The ALL, Spirit, Unlimited Life Force Energy … whatever you want to call, Him, Her, IT is waiting for it to be YOUR IDEA to love Him, Her, IT.

Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum.
It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time.
The course does not aim at teaching the meaning of love,
for that is beyond what can be taught.
It does aim, however, at removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence,
which is your natural inheritance. The opposite of love is fear,
but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.
This course can therefore be summed up very simply in this way:

Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Herein lies the peace of God.

A Course In Miracles


Love is not a feeling. Love is ACTION. Love is pure energy. Love is Everything.

Every INFINITE Thing just wants to be loved.

Acceleration! Solidarity! THRIVE!!!

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Things are about to get moving. I can just feel it. Change is upon us. We are clearing out the aspects of our lives we have either out-grown or have received the lesson from sufficiently to let go — ready to move on to implementing our new knowledge and power.

Forgive, forget. Put the past in the past where it belongs (if you still participate in space and time). Be present and pay attention. Life won’t be so scary to you if you truly understand: everything is as it should be. Just relinquish yourself to the flow and enjoy the treasure-hunt of where-to-next? Maybe the short-term future is not clear to you … let alone the long-term future. Things have changed. We live in a time of uncertainty. Was there ever certainty, or just the illusion that things were a certain way and would continue to be that way? No more illusion of that for anyone whose eyes are even a little bit open these days. The future is blank. Which way things go from here is completely up to us. We have to decide.

First on the strategy list is to establish solidarity. Yes … maybe if we quit being afraid of each other, living in ego and competing for what we think there is too little of … together we could stand up to the forces that keep us at odds with each other just so we won’t notice they are keeping us at odds with each other just so we won’t notice they are keeping us at odds with each other. Thus distracted, they can do as they please with our insignificant little lives like they’ve done for so long, and now look where we are. But bummer for them, the world is awakening. Change is upon us and we can say which way it goes — in our favor or theirs.

We can decide to Thrive.

There are so many organizations forming with the intention of bringing people together to effect positive healing change to where we can all live in the world the way it was meant to be … a world in which we all Thrive. The Global Rowing Club is just one small attempt to reach out and build a community around a powerful strategy for not only global change and healing, but to support and facilitate every other organization and individuals who are working toward accomplishing the same goal.

Pick something to be a part of and hang on for the ride of your life. Pick The Global Rowing Club and hang on for the row of your life. We’re all in the same boat so let’s PULL TOGETHER!

Surfing The Piscean / Aquarian Cusp

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I was bulldozed by many seasoned business experts to take the route of accepted business practices in developing my first invention, currently referred to on this web site enigmatically as “The Medical Device.” I had great fresh ideas when I started out, but in what I thought at the time was wise deference to their experience, I always ended up caving to the “good” ideas of experts that were more conventional (and more to their financial advantage). In retrospect, it is clear that my ideas were the good ideas, but I didn’t have the confidence at the time to stay with my mavericky (thank you Tina Fey) convictions. At the time I didn’t realize I was a pure Aquarian on a mission to exemplify a new way of conducting business and how to live life in general.

Running The Medical Device company all by myself almost killed me. What huge medical device companies informed me (when I attended The Future Medical Forum several years ago) was an astounding accomplishment for an individual to achieve, is not something I am that proud of right now in terms of the outcome — and I don’t want a repeat of it. I want to be as far away from the soul-stealing life-force-sucking struggle of “bootstrapping” in a sea of Piscean sharks as I can be. So I’ll steer clear of the sharks, be creative in my approach, do my own thinking and insist my ideas be implemented instead of discounted,  trumped and thwarted. My modus operandi won’t appeal to the people who aren’t risk-takers (just takers) and adventurers. Good! I can no longer bear to surround myself with that energy — so just consider that the things I come up with that “savvy business men” advise me to toss out are the very things I deliberately keep to be sure to sort things out from the start. Also considering the conventional mind-set is what has gotten this planet in the shape it’s in and what keeps the majority of its inhabitants in denial, I am keen to find a new breed of thinkers to populate my foxhole.

It is TIME (Aquarian Age) to be creative and go out on limbs and think outside of stupid confining boxes. That’s just how I am wired. To diminish my integrity and compromise my ideals to force an agenda would be to negate the very essence of who I am. It would be over for me right there.

So I will be whimsical, insist on things being fun, off-beat, outlandish and look at everything from the fresh point-of-view of someone who has not been indoctrinated by how things are supposed to be done. I have no need to suppress myself to meet with the approval of conventional thinkers just to get their money. People either believe in me, the REAL me, or they don’t. I won’t “pose” for money!

My world-saving ideas will be just great ideas without substantiation until I can afford the engineers to flesh them out. I was in Costly Medical Device Manufacturing Hell for five years trying to reach the point where I could devote my time and funding to The Cosmos. It took total ruination of my health and finances to finally force me to release myself from that hell. The moment I finally became powerful was the moment I achieved two thirds of what my hero Nicola Tesla achieved on his final day on earth. I became penniless and alone. Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. It was only at that point people like me started to show up to support my newest freshest idea: The Global Rowing Club. ¡Olé!

So what if all I ever do from now on is travel and row and talk about a dream? I guess that makes me a happy person already living a dream. My best has to be good enough. Time will tell about the rest. I am just well-informed enough to know that the entire planet is entering a new age and it will be daring quixotic people like me who will pull our world out of this ever-accelerating nose dive if the old school will just step aside and admit they didn’t make the cut. Until then, egos will play a destructive and pointless tug-of-war. Don’t expect (or advise) me to pick up either of the rope.

The people I am manifesting to populate my reality to implement my/our Purpose — are dreamers who have a sense of humor and a consuming desire to heal our planet. I am not for everyone. But I do know (finally after too many years of resisting the pay-off from my expensive education) that from now on we are going to do it my way (according to the Aquarian paradigm) or not at all. My wagon to the stars is going to be a fun adventure or I’ll be the first to jump off. Maybe it will fly, maybe it won’t. It’s out of my hands. I am simply WILLING to do my part and am not invested in the outcome.

My only agenda is The Will Of Heaven. Que será será.

Feel free to join me all ye who dare to Surf The Cusp in critical times — for what I hope and pray will be a relatively painless shift into a bright, shiny and peaceful Future. Denial or a negative fatalistic attitude will only exacerbate an inevitability that will not go away no matter how much you are distracted by a vast sea of minutia. Decide something about the BIGGEST AND MOST OBVIOUS ISSUE ON EARTH. To not decide is to decide. Time (if you still believe in time) is running out.

The Adventures of New Paradigm Thinkers and Doers

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As I have mentioned before, this is a new club, blog and website. I have been carefully considering my content and intent before taking the plunge to officially put it “out there.” There will soon be a page on the menu bar titled GRC Mission that will give an overview of exactly what it is I am hoping to accomplish and how exactly I plan to do it.

I am a detail-oriented person, while at the same time my view is a vast vista that makes the phrase “seeing the big picture” seem like peering through a porthole. If you want to hear an elevator speech summarizing what I am doing, you better pick an extremely tall building.

But just to start with … why such a broad spectrum of topics and goals all on one website? Well, simply put: it is just the tip of the ice burg of who I am and my mission for being on this planet I have come to love so! There is a lot here about what I am doing anyway as I “follow my bliss.” It is a wonderful thing to monetize life-style … something I was very successful at doing as a health-retreat owner. It’s so much better than working. Doing what I love to do, living the way I want to live and sharing it with other people has yielded the feed-back more times than I can count: “You’ve saved my life.”

So in a way, the Mission of The Global Rowing Club can be summed up by saying it is a way I can can share on a very large scale. It is a way I can give people the opportunity to join me to do with me what I would be doing anyway … so they can learn to save their own lives and help other people do the same.

Does that sound dramatic and over-stated to you? DO NOT underestimate the power of self-esteem and the personal fulfillment that comes from living a life of purpose. Not only does it make life worth living for the people who find a way to discover and create it for themselves — but it is contagious!

A CLUB THAT’S A HUB

I have founded The Global Rowing Club to be a hub for people all over the world to join together to become the relentless force that will be the salvation of our planet at the 11th hour. We already all belong to this club. My intention is to create an identifiable venue that we can all share no matter where we are in the world to inspire, collect and harness the power that is within us all to change the world. There will be a day when we will raise our glasses to toast restored oceans, fresh drinking water for the children in third world countries, changed lives everywhere, renewed hope and a bright future for everyone in a Healing World.

A “VARIETY” WEBSITE

Think of this as a “variety” website that will take you all over the place — but always going in the direction of renewing energy … yours, mine and the world’s! If you take the time to absorb the multi-media material on this site, you will begin to understand the method of my madness. Everything is connected in a fascinating, fun and profound way. It is not boring. It is all about energy. There is NOTHING that is not energy. Decide to harness it and learn to master it — in yourself and for the planet. That’s what this website is about. That is what we all are about.

I want to have fun, to entertain you, to inform you, to reach you and to inspire you — because you have stumbled upon The Global Rowing Club for a reason that is personal and important to you.

Dare to be a visionary. Dare to join me and many other New Paradigm Thinkers and Doers in this adventure. There’s room for everyone in this boat!

And for your entertainment, although I am new (naive and inexperienced) to making “movies,” I will punctuate my narrative occasionally with amateurish, amusing and often-times philosophical “Sofa Movies.” There may be as many hidden messages in my little creations as in DaVinci’s Last Supper. Are you a student of nuance? If so … you may be in peril of getting sucked into another dimension.

Why not take the Red Pill? Go Down the Rabbit Hole. Come with me to Wonderland!

SOFA MOVIES ARE BORN


I’ve got a little something new. Come with me and you will too. 🙂

Nut Job

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I am a nut job.

I am a disenfranchised nut job. I always have been. I’ve always known it in the midst of my madness and I have always chosen it despite the pain it has constantly inflicted in my life.

That alone is proof that I am nuts.

Frankly, I am tired. I have lost my sense-of-humor about it and I have just about lost interest. For a sane person, that’s like losing hope.

In defense of my insanity, it is a quixotic form of clarity that most people dare not have. Most people either eagerly, apathetically, or grudgingly admire the Emperor’s new clothes, ’cause that’s what everyone else is doing. I don’t see the new outfit, therefore I do not admire it. I have the notion that I see what is really there (when I pay attention, and I usually don’t to fat naked men) and I think everyone else is crazy.

I rank myself among other people who have been derided for their vision although I have yet to go so public as to be seriously attacked or threatened. Thus far I have only had the courage to be taken advantage of, ignored and discounted privately.

My hero Nicola Tesla was considered a fruitcake even though he brought the world electricity. He credited his myriad inventions and discoveries to visions coming to him. Google him … he thought of hundreds of things we take for granted in our present world. Edison made a career of discrediting him. His discoveries were stolen from him thanks to the public disclosure of the US Patent system. His quest and success to provide free energy to all the world was thwarted and lost as no meters can be placed upon free energy. Perhaps the most brilliant man in recent history — few today even know who Tesla is.

Something inside of me won’t let me believe that it is unwise to abandon myself to reaching my full potential, chips fall where they may. I can’t make myself believe that hurtling myself with sincerity and enthusiasm at a willingness to discover once and for all what it is that we all seem to be missing wouldn’t be received and rewarded with gratitude. But talent, intellect, courage and generosity has yielded the opposite for the majority of trailblazers of history. And if they weren’t ruined or murdered, they just died anyway, so why do I keep getting up in the morning and feeling hope? Why should it be different for me?

John Lennon’s vision for a peaceful world did not keep him from being murdered. Itzhak Bentov’s genius did not keep the commercial jet he was on in the air. Eva Cassidy’s immense talent did not bring her fame and fortune and prevent her early death from cancer. Believing in Over The Rainbow did not keep Judy Garland from giving up. A humanitarian heart and brilliance off-the-scales did not reward Nicola Tesla or prevent him from dying alone and penniless.

All of my big plans and vision and enthusiasm has not protected my heart from constant personal disappointment and the crash of the US economy. Being a good person, loving with an open heart, doing your best and always paying your bills on time does not seem to be enough. Being willing to devote your life to making a difference only makes matters worse.

Right about now I have lost my all my puff. I wrote about myself over a year ago that I was humbled and chagrinned … that I had to set my high horse free. Even such a poignant admittance as that strikes me now as arrogance. I look around me at the beauty I have worked so hard and so long to create around my life and I see the decline that I don’t have the time or money to fix. I see myself age from the stress of just life, and the unbelievable stress of gambling everything I have to make a difference instead of watching TV and complaining. I can’t ignore the ideas and vision I have and my irrepressible belief that it can be a better world. That is just how I am wired. But I can’t escape the ultimate truth that as hard as I try on the good days when I still do try, I can’t do it alone. I can’t save the world because right now, I can’t even save myself.

Having said all that, perhaps now I am a little closer to sane.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just try to have pleasant days. I will have a pleasant day today being thankful for all of my blessings … alone.

Jenifer Humming — Thanksgiving 2008